How Do You Spell Relief?

I finally told my mom I wasn't coming to Florida right now.  I knew she would understand and I was right.  I know she is lonely and wanted company but without divulging too much, I kind of explained my situation of late.

I told her that we took out a home equity loan and that our finances are a wreck. I told her about all of the changes that we have implemented in the last two months.  Years worth of things that should have been taken care of have been handled in six weeks time.  It is overwhelming.

I also told her that if things didn't change with my husband, I was considering a separation.  I think this was the hardest tidbit for her to digest.  She loves my husband.  I actually used to think if we got divorced she would choose his side over mine.  That's how deep the fondness runs.  My husband is very kind.  Whenever we would visit my mom he would ask what she needed done.  He knew without my dad, there were little things that needed attention so right away he would take care of them for her.  This is just his way.  Noone has to prompt him to do these things.  He is one of the most thoughtful people I've met.

I told her he has been changing for a while.  I assured her it was only around us that the "new" guy was emerging but I don't think she wanted to hear it.  She kept making excuses.  She said, "well, how mean can he be?  It's not like he would yell or swear or anything."  I told her about the night we attended a wedding and he was nutso.  He was acting like a tyrant and demanded that I leave.  I told him go ahead home and I would catch a ride with his cousin.  That was not flying.  After a silent ride home with his parents, we got into it once we were home.  My daughter was on the couch.  We were bickering back and forth and then he said, "F*#k you, Kiraly!"  Shock does not come close to my reaction.  We do not speak like that in front of our children.  Only recently have we started saying "little" swear words in their presence and we certainly never speak TO one another using them.

I told him that was very unfortunate.  Now I had a difficult decision to make.  If I stayed my daughter just got the message that in anger her future beaus could speak thusly to her.  That was NOT a message I wanted to give her.  So now what?  The next morning he had no recollection of the event.  Turns out Scotch is not his friend.  We are not really hard liquor drinkers so he got a play.  It was the ONE and ONLY pass.  It would not happen again, drunk or not.  My mom was shocked to hear that even transpired.

She understood that now is just not the time for me to leave.  I have so much work to do.  Every day is work.  So many things to be resolved.  I am constantly alert and processing.  I do not spend a moment of idleness in my mind.  I just cannot take on one more problem, mine or anyone else's, until some of this is resolved.  She understood and I just breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Sometimes I spend so much mental energy anticipating how things are going to turn out.  I fret and worry and think.  Nine times out of ten, they are so anti-climatic  The drama I create in my mind is a million times bigger than the actual outcome.  I am learning just to get things over with, not to think on them so long.  Sooner or later things have to be dealt with anyway.  I think I'm going to choose sooner from now on.