It's The Day

Today is the closing.  It cannot come fast enough.  I have not had cash in my pocket since the beginning of December.  My husband has gotten the groceries, the kids have used their own money for everything and I have not had a dollar on me.  I'm am utterly and completely over it.

Today my husband's stress can no longer be my excuse for accepting his bad behavior.  Today I stop feeling guilty for finding fault with him.   Today I stop thinking it's me being too demanding or unpleasable.  I am sick of blaming myself and thinking it is something I'm doing.

We have an "episode" and I analyze it.  I wonder if I was too quick to respond, if I'm too needy or too sensitive.  I am what I am.  Just like my husband is what he is.  I don't see him wondering if he did something wrong.  I see him blaming me for every problem we have and acting like the victim.  I cannot tell you the number of times he has said he cannot communicate because I get angry.  Well, that is called conversation.  I don't get angry.  I counter him, big difference.  I do NOT agree with everything that comes out of his mouth any more.  That is the problem.

The excuses are invalid after today.  I am not going to apologize for wanting more.  My husband is an amazing man.  He is compassionate and funny and loves with all his heart.  I'm sure if I were a different kind of woman we would not have one issue at this point.  I told him years ago I always wanted an "active" love.  I never wanted to take eachother for granted.  I wanted to be passionate and physical and "in love" as opposed to just "loving" eachother.  He knew those were my expectations when we were 22.  Nothing has changed.

Every day is a step forward.  Every day my future looms brightly before me.  I'm not afraid any more.  I'm excited.  I've never been afraid to be alone.  That was never the issue.  I was afraid to tear apart my family but somewhere in the drama, I've lost that fear.  I'm confident I can be a great mom in this house or in a tiny dumpy apartment (or a cardboard box, which is more likely where I will end up!) but I know fear is not going to be my excuse.  My life IS going to be exactly what I make it.  Starting today.