Let The Sunshine In

My husband was like a machine yesterday.  He was going through his list of things to do like lightening.  As the day wore on, I could see his face literally clearing like the grey skies after a ground-soaking summer storm.  The light within him is slowly beginning to shine again.

At dinner last night (yes, I am back to eating with the family, turns out I'm not great at laying around) he told me he checked so many things off of his "list."  I had no idea he had a list or was worried about getting anything done.  Turns out these things have been consuming him for a while but he just couldn't do anything about it.  He said the next thing he's doing is a Dr.'s appointment.  That is huge.

The one thing that was non-negotiable was that he establish savings accounts for the kids.  When I found out he went through their old accounts trying to pay our debt, insane does not come close to my reaction.  I was devastated.  When we got our income tax money I told him either to put a couple of thousand into each kid's account or I was getting a full-time job, putting the money in and then moving out.  Yesterday he came home with two passbooks for the kids.  He told me he put $1,000 into each account.  I was shocked.  Did he not get the memo?  That is NOT 2,000.  He said he put that and was going to put the other $1,000 in "after."

This scared me.  He is doing it again.  Whenever we have a chunk of money he spends it nickel by dime until it's gone.  I told him I know his intention was good but not an option.  The money had to go in now.  He kept saying that he would be only left with x amount but I stuck to my guns.  I told him I didn't care if we were left with nothing, those accounts came first.  Then I told him to book me a plane ticket.  Apparently I wasn't clear.  Either the money went into the accounts or I was out.  He made the choice for me by not putting the money in.  He could NOT process why I was so upset.  He was so proud of himself.  I was harshing his mellow and of course that was me being an irrational witch again.  He, again, was the victim of one of my tirades.

I took the dog for a walk because trying to get him to understand me was fruitless.  Normally in that situation I would pet him and coddle him and tell him how proud I was that he got the accounts set up.  I would tell him that I know he would put the money in.  Yesterday I told him I didn't trust him and I didn't know if I ever would again.  I told him his word meant nothing to me and I needed to see the money in there NOW, not when he got done taking care of "other stuff." 

When the kids got home from school he gave them each their passbooks and told them they had $2,000 in their accounts.  He explained how they worked, what they were for, etc.  ALL I heard was $2,000.  When they went upstairs I asked how that happened.  When I took the dog for his walk, he called the bank and put another thousand into each account.

That single action spoke to me more than all of the words he could utter.  He's getting it.  He is trying to change.  He is not so stubborn that we are going to go through the same hell we have been in.  He heard me and listened, really listened.  He knew this one thing was not optional, not negotiable.  It was my way or there was going to be very real, unpleasant consequences.

We both want change.  We both want happiness and intimacy and love.  We are not the people who we have become.  I have been doing so much reflection.  Neither one of us wants to be the people we are now.  I lay my head on the pillow and have so many regrets.  I have really started thinking about how hard it was for this man to know we did not have the money to cover our bills every month and the stress that put him under.  I have thought about the juggling game it was every month.  I would have snapped long before he did. 

I can't blame any more.  I can't be angry.  He did the best he could and how long do I punish him for being less than chipper?  I'm lucky he wasn't in a catatonic depression.  I'm opening my heart.  I'm letting go of my bitterness and stubborness.  My acting like him to punish him isn't going to get us anywhere but where we've been.  His one action may seem like a little thing to an outsider but for me it was all I needed to begin my investment anew.  It's time to turn our faces to the sun and let it's warmth and light back into our home.