You've Lost That Loving Feeling

My husband is trying.  He is really trying.  He is being affectionate and kind.  He is touching and hugging and telling me wonderful things.  He is patient and lighthearted and funny.  I've got nothing.

I have decided I am the person on the planet "least likely to hold a grudge."  I just don't have it in me.  I understand people are not perfect and we all make mistakes.  I make sure my relationships with people are what I want them to be at all times, just in case.  There are some people who I have had to cut out of my life, at least for now, because I really felt they were a detriment to my family.  If you bring absolutely NOTHING but drama to my life, I just don't need it.  

When my husband "saw the light" my initial reaction was relief.  I just wanted to put it behind me and get back to the business of being happy.  I thought I was doing just that.  I'm wrong.  I'm harboring some serious resentment.  He hugs me and I shrug out of it.  He touches me and I can tolerate it just so long.  I feel like I'm always waiting, ready to pounce at the least provocation.  Some part of my mind is yelling, "just go with it!" but I think my pride is getting in the way.

I have put up with alot.  My husband transformed into a man I didn't even know.  Honestly, I didn't like the new model very much.  If I had met this guy 22 years ago, there wouldn't have been a second date, let alone a marriage.  I put every ounce of myself into this marriage, more than I knew I could give.  I would not give up, at least not without the biggest fight of my life.  If my marriage ended, I would NOT look back and say I didn't give it all I had.

I knew I was getting pulled into the mire of negativity and I was only too willing to go under.  I didn't like myself.  I was petty, impatient, judgemental and shrewish.  I was always on the edge, waiting for the next thing to anger me.  I made up my mind to get back to being me and that is exactly what I have been doing.

I lost sight of myself and realized I was slowly growing to hate myself.  I wasn't working out, I was putting junk food into my body and I couldn't care less.  I couldn't care less about me because I felt the person I had become didn't deserve any better.  I had to get in touch with the real me and I really feel like I am doing just that.  It is a huge relief to know that the circumstances of life can change your perspective at times but not your true self.

I want to be loving and intimate with my husband.  When he is being so kind, I reciprocate as much as I am able but some part of me is holding back.  I just cannot let myself fall fully into the moment.  Is it fear?  Am I afraid that this guy is a facade, ready to morph back into the miserable jerk I've been with for the last couple of years?  Am I proud?  Is there a small part of me holding a grudge because I'm supposed to just forgive and forget the agony I have suffered while he worked through his issues?  Am I keeping up the defense mechanisms I have worked so hard to build?  Am I slow to let them come down because I'm afraid my heart will be crushed again and I will be ignored and neglected?

Am I out of love?  This is what I am most afraid of.  Has this long, slow learning process taken it's toll?  Honestly, this all started when his brother died.  That was 11 years ago.  The last four or five have been the hardest but that's 11 years of waiting for love.  That's 11 years of watching the funny, compassionate, sweet man I married change into a hard, mean stranger.  That's 11 years of patience I've expended watching the decline.  That's 11 years less I have to give in the process of rebuilding.