I'm Not Into You

I think I'm over my husband.  All of this time inside of my head is proving one thing, I don't think I love him anymore.  As a matter of fact, I'm starting not to like him.

Last night we got into a quarrel over who knows what.  That's how it is.  We are fine, we are having a conversation and then it ends up in cross words.  I told him I don't want to hate him.  I said I am really starting to feel nothing for him but animosity and I don't want it to end this way.

I told him I am no longer tolerating the way he speaks to me nor the tone when he does so.  His response (as always) was, "but it's ok the way you talk to me?"  I told him, no.  It is absolutely not ok.  I told him that was my first red flag.  When I started lashing out at him in anger and being disrespectful I immediately dug deep and checked myself.  What was going on?  This was NOT me.  Why was I acting so horribly?

I know why I do it.  He ignores me.  We have no relationship other than the raising of our children.  I am just like a child looking for attention.  Kids aren't really selective about the kind of attention they receive, it can be negative, just as long as they get it.  I know I'm doing this.  I'm not proud of it.  I try very hard to stop myself but I'm not perfect.  I want to hurt him.  I say the most hurtful things I can think of when we argue.  I hate myself afterward.  I feel guilty and small.

This is not me.  Being with him is making me an ugly person.  I believe being in a partnership should make you a better person.  If you have the right mate, you should be better than you ever thought you could be while with that person.  I try to be stronger than my impulses.  I try to just be quiet but he provokes me.  He likes to argue.  I think he is an unhappy frustrated man and he needs that release.

I have regrouped this morning.  I am going to pull into my shell and try to avoid the triggers.  I am going to try to rise above my petty, adolescent behavior and handle myself with dignity and control.  I cannot control him.  His idea of communicating is tit for tat.  He gets defensive and angry when we get into these situations.  It's old and I am tired.  I need to stay positive.  I need to have hope.  Hope that my life is going to be exactly what I make it.  I need to remember that all great things take time and I have plenty of it.