I am narrowing down my frustrations. I think I am just immature. I have a much more laidback approach to life and this is a continuous source of contention for my husband and I. This is one thing I will not compromise on. I have changed just about everything about me to please this man and I will not grow old to satisfy him.
My son was waiting on some friends to come over. They were all going to go to the movies. While waiting he decided to shoot some hoops in the driveway. He brought his basketball in from the front porch to put some air in it and left the door open to the front porch. Our front porch in enclosed and it is cold out there but the task was literally going to take a few minutes. I was holding the ball and my son was filling it and my husband was telling my son to shut the front door.
That was all he was concerned about, that stupid door. I told him to hold on and we would be done in a minute. He was relentless and angry so I just went and shut it. Then I told him he is old. I could hear my parents' voices in him. It occurred to me that I have always felt like his child. He runs the house and I'm like one of the kids in it. I have no idea what's going on and he likes it that way.
On one hand, I am the brains behind the operation. He has no idea how to be a father or a husband or a man. I have to spoonfeed him that. On the other hand, he controls everything. We are all supposed to be blindly obedient to him. We aren't to question or have an opinion other than his. If we don't do his bidding we have to deal with his mood. It is exhausting.
I am very carefree. My home is very neat and organized but we live here. Kids traipsing in and out of my home wet from the pool or with mud on their shoes, etc. has never bothered me. I do all of the cleaning. I have to clean it again so why would I flip out? The dirt is always there whether we bring it in or sit like statues in the house. Why does all of this stuff bother him so much? He has never lifted a finger to clean a thing in 20 years. That's not true. On occassion he will vacuum or straighten up, I should give credit where it is due.
I sit and look at him and to me he is already a senior citizen. I am bored. I don't need a party every night but I need something to look forward to. He sits on the couch with his newspaper and the tv on. For a while he was watching Wheel Of Fortune and Jeopardy and I literally thought I would lose my mind. I can't do it yet. That is what every senior in America is doing every night.
I am too young for this. I know I'm almost 44 but I don't feel it. I'm responsible, I know I am a mother and an adult and I certainly don't ignore those commitments but I'm not ready for every evening on the couch. I'm not ready for every day to mimic the one before with no spontaneity or excitement. I guess I'm just not ready to grow up.
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