I am more convinced than ever that not only does my huband ride the crazy train but he is the conductor. I can hear the train chugging down the tracks when he gets a certain look on his face and I wait for the ensuing battle. I'm more than ready to derail this thing.
Saturday night he and I went out to dinner, alone. The kids had other plans with friends and we decided to take advantage and dine out. We NEVER go out to dinner (or breakfast or lunch for that matter). As we all know, money is tight and I just cannot justify spending money eating out when I can make a meal for us at home which is healthier and MUCH cheaper. I would love to eat out more, just because it gets monotonous figuring out what to cook every night and it's some work. That being said, I stay at home so part of that, for me, has been to provide a nice meal at the end of the day for my family.
After dinner we went by his aunt and uncle's house. They were hosting a going away dinner for their in-laws who are moving to Florida next week and while our plans kept us busy for the actual dinner, we told them we would stop by for a drink after. The streets were rolled up, lights out, vacant home. It was only shortly before 8:00 p.m. but apparently the party was over.
His parents live in a double house with his aunt and uncle so we just went to their side for a drink instead where our son met us to hang out for a bit. While we were there, a friend called and asked me to meet her for a drink. We have been trying to connect for a while and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I told her I would meet her at the bar where my daughter was attending a birthday party (upstairs in the banquet rooms) and when it ended at 10:00 p.m. she could drive us both home.
I thought this plan was inspired. We had already talked my son into picking her up so we didn't have to leave the house again at 10 to get her. This was so much easier. The minute I hung up the phone, my husband had "that" look on his face. He told me that I had messed up our plans because we were going to stay at his parents and then go get her. Really? It was 8:30 at this point. We had gotten his dad out of bed when we got there. We were going to keep them up for another hour and a half? I think not.
Then he told me it was very "coincidental" that she called. Did he think it was a secret plan? Interesting since I was with him ALL day and night and that was the first time I had touched my phone. At this point my son said, "Papa, just let her go out with her friend. What's the big deal? Did she say anything when you went out with your friends?" Ah, interesting point my wise son.
A couple of weeks ago he went out with some friends from work. They went to a hockey game and then out. They went to a few bars, a strip club, and a friend's house to cap off the night. He came home after 1:30 a.m. and turned right into our bedroom and kept turning. He knocked all of my perfume bottles off of my jewelry chest. I woke him up the next morning and he ended up late for work. He was still drunk when he left for work more than a half hour late. He has NEVER been late for work in 23 1/2 years.
Was I angry? No. I laughed and made fun of him and told him I was glad that he had such a good time. I told him he needed to let loose and relax. Lord knows, our lives have been stressful and he needed just to forget all that for a minute. Why is it so hard every time I want a break?
I do NOT go out. The last time I went out with friends was in May. We had an arguement in the side street by our house because my friend had called and asked me to go out for another friend's birthday. He was mutinous. Then he told me he wasn't giving me money to go out and when I informed him that I would just have my friends pay for me he coughed it up. The friend who called felt guilty and said she feels bad asking me to go out because it always causes a fight for me. THAT does not cause a fight, my crazy husband causes the fight.
I met my friend for a drink. My daughter ended up sleeping at the birthday girl's house so we didn't have to be home at 10. We actually went to a local pizza place and ate salads after the bar. It was nice just to be myself. A girl with a friend, having a good time and catching up. I am ALWAYS a wife and mother. I never get a break from that role. I do not have any life at all that does not involve my family. Sometimes I think that is a huge part of my restlessness.
My husband did not speak to me at all yesterday morning. It was a beautiful morning and I refused to let him ruin it for me. I went about my business. I made my son pancakes. I got my daughter to parade practice by noon and came back home to pick up my husband so he could attend the parade. We ran into old friends at the parade and caught up with them so by the end of it, he was back to being "normal" and talking.
A part of me wants to be stubborn and say, "Oh, now you want to talk to me? Well guess what? I have nothing to say to you." The more mature side of me knows that's pointless. I do know I cannot live like this. I am not his possession. He doesn't own me and I am not his child. I do not need to ask permission to go out. The nice thing this time is this happened in front of his parents. They got to see exactly what I deal with. His face is actually scary when he gets like he was. I hate it. Part of me wants to give in and just not anger him and make an excuse to my friends. I do that more often than not.
I think I'm over it though. I need to take a stand. He acts like I'm some crazy floozy who he can't trust and it angers me beyond sanity. I am the most loyal wife in the world. I have stood by him in times I can only say I must have been insane to do so. He swears every time this happens that he trusts me and doesn't mind me going out. Then why is it such a project every time? Why is everyone around me getting the same impression? Why am I still here making excuses for everything this man does?
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