What's My Problem?

I am a crab.  I don't even want to be around myself lately.  I have the most intense feeling of dissatisfaction and I am trying so hard to squelch it but to no avail.

I am so tired of being surrounded by negativity.  I know that our family has been in this place for a long time and we all cannot let it go overnight but I have decided to do just that and I am impatient that everyone else isn't keeping up.  I want everyone to turn the page, embrace life again and move forward.  They haven't gotten the memo.

I am especially frustrated with my husband.  He is not doing anything overt.  We are not fighting but I'm just disgusted with him.  I am tired.  I am angry with myself for being so understanding.  I feel stupid and neglected and like a dog who continues to be kicked and whimpers back to her master for the pat on the head.  A huge part of me wants to walk out the door.  I want it over.  I want to show him that the words I have been spewing forth for more time than I care to recollect carry weight.  I want him to see I have value and someone else would appreciate it and cherish me forever.

Then I want my marriage to work.  I want us to be content and peaceful and die together.  I feel constantly torn.  It's not him at this point, it is me.  I feel like I have jeopardized my pride.  I have written the script and waited for him to start playing his role.  I have sat patiently in the wings and breathlessly anticipated the day he would step onto the stage and recite the lines I have handfed him for more time than I can count.  He's on stage, the spotlight has illuminated him and he still can't get it right.  Does he have a thought other than mine?  He is like a child.  A child I am molding to be the adult I can be proud of someday in society.

I've always known he tried to think and act the way he anticipates I would.  I used to find it flattering.  It's heady to think your partner admires you so much that he wants to be like you.  I thought, "well, this guy knows me better than anyone and if he copies me so much, I must be doing something right."  Now I am annoyed.  I can't have a conversation with him.  We cannot have a discourse on anything because he does not have a thought independent from mine.  I want an intelligent husband.  One who can discuss things that matter with me.  One that can challenge me and make me think.  I want to disagree with my husband and have him try to convince me he's right.  I don't want a mindless puppet who is afraid to say anything contrary.

I don't want to be like this.  I'm angry with myself for feeling this way.  He's trying.  In his way, he is really trying to change and I should be grateful and focus on that.  I should embrace the positive and overlook the little niggling details.  I feel unevolved and petty.  In turn, I am now more frustrated with my behavior on top of my issues with him.

I know this is a work in progress.  I know something that is eroded, slowly, bit by bit over time will not be rebuilt in a day.  I know it is going to take work and patience.  I'm not perfect and should not expect those around me to be so.  Patience, patience, patience...it is my mantra.  I feel like it runs through my mind, all day, every day.  I am worn out with my effort toward patience.  Some days I guess I just want to be the master, deciding if the pup has pleased me and will receive a reward or if he'll be turned back out, tail between his legs until his master decides to be gracious.