So I'm liking this business of being me. I'm liking getting back in touch with my REAL inner self. I realize now how much I was letting everything and everyone around me influence my thoughts and actions.
Before I do anything now I check myself and ask if this is what I would be doing or saying if I lived alone. If I were that single, childless woman that I dreamed I would be way back in the day, would I be doing or saying what I am? When my doubt starts to creep in or I find myself regressing and heading back into negative territory, I stop. I breathe and I start again.
It's funny, on St. Patrick's Day, I refused to let my husband's negative mood affect me. I told him that before we left the house and once we were out, I stuck to it. I didn't realize it but once he had left me to go to work that night he left a voicemail on my phone. I didn't get it until Sunday afternoon because my phone had died and I never took it off the charger until Sunday so that was the first time I saw the message.
He apologized for being grumpy. He said he was preoccupied because he knew he had to go to work at 5 p.m. and so he really couldn't get into the spirit and just have fun. He said he was glad I was having fun and he was sorry he was less than enthusiastic. I was happy. He is at least acknowledging his behavior, admitting it and trying to make ammends for it. On the other hand, I'm a bit tired of his excuses. If this had happened and I was still the "old" me (you know, the one that I was five days ago), he would have ruined my day. For so long now, he has brought me down before we go out and I feel myself smiling and talking but being so removed from the social situation I'm in. Saturday I was fully engaged. I felt free and light and truly happy.
Not once did I wonder what he was thinking of my behavior. We went to one bar and my daughter and her friend pulled me out on the dance floor. I danced and laughed and truly did NOT care at all what he was thinking about it. I'm sorry he can't lighten up. I'm sorry he can't have fun. I'm sorry he is so old. I'm not.
I am young at heart. I think I will always be young in my mind. I take good care of myself again so that my body will cooperate. I find joy in every day of my life. The simplest things have always made me happy. Where others see tragedy I have always had this ability to find something, anything, positive. I see life as an adventure. Not all adventures are happy at all times but I choose to learn something rather than wallow in misery. I acknowledge the experience and then immediately my mind switches gears and I think, "What can I take away from this other than sorrow?"
My happiness will never again be dependent on another person. The only thing I can be sure of in this life is myself. I can only control my thoughts and actions. I can only make sure I am living MY life as I wish. I can hope with all my being that others around me will choose to embrace life and appreciate the beauty of it but if they don't, I cannot change them. We have one life. What is everyone waiting for? What is going to be different next month, next year? If we all don't get to the business of living, sooner than we think, the opportunity will have passed.
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