I'm a harpy, a fishwife, a shrew. I cannot shut myself up. I know I'm acting this way and am powerless to stop myself. I am hoping by putting this in a concrete venue, I will acknowledge my behavior and rectify it.
Every conversation with my husband leads to an issue. I cannot turn myself off. Yesterday we needed to go get the kids some new summer clothes. They grow. They are only 17 and 16 and have not hit their "full size" yet. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that they cannot cooperate and just remain the same size and never need anything until they are adults and living on their own. However, we are their parents and it IS our responsibility to clothe, feed and shelter them until adulthood happens. I will never understand why my husband wanted children so desperately when he has never been able to grasp this simple concept.
We went to one store. The shorts there did not fit my daughter right. One size was too small. The next size up was too big. I am a woman. I understand this. Our clothing needs to "fit." Men just pick out a waist size and the rest falls into place. Our lives are not so simple. We tend to spend alot of time in the gray areas. He was not happy. My daughter was so frustrated. I had her try on EVERY style of short in the store. I thought we were just choosing the wrong one. No such luck. I understood her frustration. Summer is traumatic enough when we have to break out the skimpy clothing. Having the clothes not fit right can start the season off on the wrong foot.
I suggested another store where I know the brands fit my daughter well. My husband went to find a coupon at customer service. They had none. He was VERY unhappy at this point. While my daughter was in the fitting room I asked him why our situation is still so dire. We freed up a HUGE amount of money when we paid off our credit card bills yet our situation seems to have worsened. He is even more frugal than ever.
I understand that we don't want to go on a free-for-all and waste money but we are talking necessities here. My children need proper fitting clothing. I can't stand it. He ruins every outing with his foul attitude and miserable look on his face. There is absolutely no joy in our lives when he is around us. We try to stay positive and enjoy ourselves but he seems determined to ruin our day. He walked away from me when I asked him what was going on with our money. I told him in no uncertain terms NEVER to walk away from me when I am asking a legitimate question.
Then I told him that he has yet to include me in our financial affairs so my asking questions was perfectly understandable. Of course, I did not get an answer. I got silence, the story of my life. The routine is old and I'm done playing the same role. It's time for a new cast of characters and another production because I've done all I can do with this show.
A conversation this morning led to me saying something about when I'm gone. I told him we started as friends and that was all I wanted at this point. To be amicable with one another and just be friends. It is evident there is no hope for fixing my marriage and I'm trying to make the most of what is left. He told me that will not happen because he WANTS me to stay and be married to him until we die. I told him that he has had everything he WANTS up to this point with absolutely no effort on his part. I have bent over backwards to make this man's life everything he could ever dream of with no reciprocity on his part. Now I feel it is time for me to have the life I want.
I know why I'm doing this. The logical part of me wants to just be quiet. I want to go about my plans and just do what I have to do. The other part, the dreamy girl, is still hopeful. I'm throwing out the bait waiting for him to rise to the occasion. I keep thinking he will take my opening and say the things he needs to say to make my marriage last. He will open up and tell me the things that will save our marriage. I think if I say the right thing to open up the conversation he will try.
I am a foolish woman. Still, even still, I hope. I crave peace and harmony with every ounce of my being. I want love. I want a man to look at me like it's the first time he's seeing me for the rest of his life. I want to see the lust in his eyes and know I'm the reason for it. I want to see the tenderness when we lock gazes and know that his love for me has put it there. I love being a couple. I like the intimacy of it. There is no relationship on earth with that level of trust and commitment. I like being touched and touching. I don't do well being put aside and ignored. For my sanity, for my happiness, for any future worth waking up for, I must put myself and my needs first. I must stop looking for answers where obviously only questions dwell.
No comments:
Post a Comment