Here We Go Again

I guess I am forgiven for going out this weekend.  My husband was chatty and fun and fine yesterday.  I guess a good word for me is, unreceptive.  I wasn't rude, I was just not interested.

We had some things to do yesterday.  One thing involved an hour and a half car ride.  That's alot of time.  He was making conversation and being humorous.  I was singing in my head.  I was singing out loud.  I was admiring the scenery.  I was doing everything in my power to forget I was in the car with this guy.  I did speak when spoken to.  I did so politely but I did not initiate conversation nor did I engage enthusiastically.

I am sick and tired of being "punished" for some imaginary transgression and then having to be receptive when he decides my penance is up.  Normally, I just go with it.  I don't like to hold a grudge.  I can't stand when my home is in disharmony and I am in constant search of peace.  The problem with this is that I am not at peace.  Everything seems at peace but I am angry, inside.

All of this resentment is building.  I am not dealing with it.  More repression.  He gets to be angry and not speak to me because I go out with a friend once a year and I am supposed to just let him ride that out until he decides he doesn't want to be angry any more?  Why?  If I confront him, I feel like a witch.  I am so sick of arguing and to start a conversation that I know will lead to an arguement just seems like so much work right now.

He will deny that he was angry.  He will deny that he has a problem with me going out.  He will deny he was in a mood the next day.  What is the point?  We have been there, done that.  He will tell me this is all in my head and that I was THINKING he was mad and that he really wasn't at all.  It won't matter that his parents and my son saw his reaction.

So I sang.  And I dreamed.  I imagined myself living in the country, on a farm where we were.  I saw myself riding my horse and walking my dog on my acres of land.  I saw trails through the woods where I was hiking.  My house was overlooking the lake.  I could have my farm but then head across the street and access the lake. 

I removed myself from my reality and created one that is more me.  Not this stress and arguing in a home I've never liked since we bought it.  We bought it because it was next door to one of his best friends.  The friend has since divorced and moved on.  We bought it with the promise of moving out after five years when we had some equity.  We bought it with the promise that we would move to Connecticut after he got tenure and his retirement was vested.  We bought it when we were young and foolish and dreamed we would be blissful forever, no matter where we were.  We bought it when it wasn't so hard for me to dream at all.