I Must Be Silent

I couldn't post today until now.  I am too angry.  I am too disturbed.  Too much of what is my life is no longer making sense to me.  I am confused and unsure of what words can express what is going on in my head.

Yesterday my husband informed me that a condo we were looking into in Myrtle Beach would be available if our son made the baseball team at school.  They go to Myrtle Beach to play a tournament over spring break.  This condo belongs to a friend of the family and we could stay free of charge.  Sounds great, right?  I thought so.

When we first started talking about it he told me he was going to ask his mom to come with us.  She had mentioned she would like to go and I was fine with that.  She and I get along and she is always up for anything.  She has some physical problems but never complains or slows us down when she goes away with us.  Then he mentioned he might ask his godmother to go as well.  It is her brother's condo that we would be staying in and he thought she would be good company for his mom.  Again, she's a fun lady and I thought that was a good idea.

Yesterday when he said we could stay he mentioned that the owner and his girlfriend would also be there.  I know the owner and his girlfriend.  I have met them a handful of times at best.  I was less than thrilled.  I am a VERY private person.  I am not comfortable at all staying with other people.  Staying with his godmother was pushing my comfort levels a bit but this was beyond what I could tolerate.  I told him that.  I asked him if we could just get a hotel and he told me we have no money for one.  I told him he could go with the entourage and I would stay home.  He informed me that if I didn't go, noone was going, including my daughter.

He has a LONG history of this tactic.  We went skiing as a family when I was 35.  I did NOT want to go.  I was terrified to learn to ski.  I had no desire to learn to ski.  He would not bring the kids unless I went.  I went.  I was glad I did it but I've never done it again so I think it's safe to say he didn't push me into that for my good.  I cannot count how many times we have all done things that I did not want to do.  I mean REALLY did not want to do.  He will not take the kids unless I go along.  They are punished for my lack of enthusiasm so I go.  I hate it the whole time but I am there.

He called tonight from work and said he was looking for a hotel.  I asked about the condo and he said it was too many people so we would just get a hotel.  So when I expressed that same sentiment he stuffed me and shut me down before the discussion began and used money as the excuse, again.  He was not willing to discuss it or even consider my feelings.  The answer was if I don't go, my daughter does not get to go.  He knew I would go.

I asked him tonight where our income tax money was.  We had some left over from our return.  He told me what was left is right where it was.  OK???  Am I supposed to know where that is?  I told him we NEED to sit down together and do the money.  I backed down and agreed to do the money jointly rather than by myself when I thought I was being spiteful about it.  I have asked him probably a dozen times to sit down so we could do it and every time he has an excuse.  After the credit cards are paid off by the bank.  After this next billing cycle.  After he gets a notebook to write everything down in.  He "promises" it is going to happen.  If I could count how many promises he has broken to me, I'd be a genius and have to create a new number.

I got angry.  I told him just because I haven't pushed does not mean I don't want to be involved.  I told him I don't trust him and I'm getting nervous because I'm in the dark and I think he is messing up our finances again.  I tried to comfort him and make him not feel badly that our money was such a mess but the truth is, his mismanagement of some minor debt became monumental.  It IS his fault.  Plain and simple HE is to blame for what happened.

At this point he said, "Kiraly, I'm not getting into all of this.  I'm up here with other people."  I hung up.  I had no words for that.  He called right back and I told him to go talk to his people.  Apparently what his wife has to say doesn't matter much.  He said he didn't mean it that way (of course not) and that I didn't even call him for that so why did I have to start on it?  I don't know.  That's where the conversation went.  I didn't realize when you called for one reason you were only allowed to discuss that topic and then call back if you had another issue.

I told him there are going to be some changes.  I am done being ignored and disrespected.  I am done with him pouting and treating me horribly because he's in a mood.  Then I told him I was also going to go out twice a month with my friends so he could get used to the concept and not have such a fit every time it happens.  I told him he would be giving me money to do so without an arguement or I'd be finding a job so I could make sure I'd have my own money.  He said, "well, good luck with your job."

I'm crazy.  Or I'm going crazy.  It is such a fine line I am walking that it's all blending into one. What am I doing?  I am better than this arent' I?  Not to be egotistical but I am sure another man would appreciate me.  I am thin and attractive.  I can cook like a chef.  I am the most loving mother I can be.  I keep a warm, cozy home.  I am frugal.  I don't ask for anything.  I try to be content with what I have.  I find ways to do everything myself so I don't spend unneccesary money.  I tried to be helpful when I knew we had money problems.  I didn't go out or whine about it.  I am devoted.  I am so devoted and I can't for the life of me figure out why.  My husband does not want to be intimate with me, ever.  I am patient about it.  I am understanding.  I try to get him to talk about why or see a doctor.  I never criticize or judge.  I have never even considered being unfaithful and God knows there isn't a woman on this earth who has more reason.

I know I have gifts.  I know I am special.  I know that people want to be around me and confide in me and talk to me.  I know that I could be surrounded by people the minute I open myself up to it.  I am fun and funny.  I can talk to anyone and make anyone feel at ease.  I am wasting away here.  I am wasting so much of what makes me special.  I am killing what makes me happy and unique to please this man.

We were listening to our favorite Irish group in the car tonight.  We have seen them live several times.  I have always LOVED them.  Since the first time I saw them, I jump and dance and sing along the whole concert.  This summer we saw them twice.  The second time he accused me of trying to get all of the attention on me by being so crazy.  He said I was over the top.  I had so much fun.  I was so happy.  I had jumped and danced for two straight hours and had endorphins pumping through me at the speed of light.  In seconds, he took that away from me.  He made me feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm only 43.  I don't feel old yet.  I don't feel ready to just sit on the couch watching tv every night.

When he met me I was the life of the party.  I was wild and a dancer and up for anything.  If he wanted a wallflower, why did he pursue me?  There are plenty of women who would be content to sit home every night eating chips on the couch, watching tv and loving the fact that their husband will never want sex.  He is tearing me apart and I know it.  I feel it.  I hate it.  I don't want to hate him.  He is so good in so many ways.  I think my reluctance to admit that he is not very good to me is what is holding me back.  I don't want to see these flaws in him and admit that maybe I have allowed a man to treat me less than I deserve.  I don't want to admit to myself how very bad things really are.