Just Breathe

I am pressing pause.  I am taking a break.  I have to think about things and calm down the mania.

My husband knows something is different but in his very expected typical fashion, he has decided to handle it with silence or sarcasm.  Everything he says to me is in a confrontational tone.  He knows something is different with me so he is going to be nasty and then pretend it's me. 

I have been very upbeat and positive.  When he says that I have a problem and am being confrontational I counter him.  I don't try to talk it out or communicate.  I just tell him he is wrong.  I tell him that I am trying very hard to be positive and he is making it difficult.  I repeat the conversation that just took place in exactly the tone it happened.  Of course, he denies it and accuses ME of having the wrong tone.  Even though the conversation just happened, he can still find a way to deny it.

I'm ok with it though.  It's funny how once you acknowledge something as your truth and understand it is what it is, you really can deal with it.  When you try to outthink it or understand it, you cannot really deal with it.  However, once you just honestly let yourself accept that it is what it is, it's easy.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day.  It's a long fun day for us being the parents of an Irish dancer.  Eight stops in eight hours.  I can honestly say, for the first time in a long time, I really enjoyed myself.  I did not worry about what my husband was going to think.  He is always mad at me for something or other, especially when we are out and drinking.  I can have two drinks and he will accuse me of being drunk, etc.  It's never true and I have no idea why it always comes down to that because it is so evident I'm not even impaired, let alone "drunk."  I went out with the expectation that I was not going to let him bring me down.

I socialized and laughed with the other dance moms.  I saw people out who I hadn't seen since last St. Paddy's Day and talked with them.  The weather was beyond gorgeous.  It was just a perfect day.  He left to go to work at a local bar at 5 p.m. and I hitched a ride with another dance family.  I didn't worry once about what he was going to say or think.  I didn't come home until 11 p.m., which is very late for me (it's a long day) and I really didn't care what he thought about it.

I felt like me again.  I felt like Kiraly who is a fun, social person.  I did not feel like my husband's wife.  This is the first time in years that I have gone out and really let myself just be me.  I've missed me.   I've decided I like me.  I am finally realizing that I am ok, just as I am.  I do not have to prove anything to anybody.  If people don't like me the way I am, the fault is in them and not me.  I am all done changing myself to please anybody.  Either they get on board with the real me or get off the train.  This ride is about to change drastically.