I got on the scale. I did not have a mental breakdown. As a matter of fact, I didn't even look. The nurse had called earlier in the day and asked if we would like her to come earlier for the appointments. I told her that her scale might meet with an unfortunate accident and that it would be wrong if she blamed me. She told me not to look. Duh. Why didn't I think of that?
Of course, we didn't just have the nurse alone but she had a trainee with her. I explained to them how I went on a bender at the end of last year. That is true. I knew 2012 was going to be my year of action and not thought. I knew along with other changes I was going to be making, I was going to get control of my health. I know how to be healthy and thin. It was very deliberate, my weight gain.
The initial 8 lbs or so was not. That was stress eating, emotional comfort and quite unintended. The last 7 lbs were put on knowing full well they would have to go. In my mind, I figured if I already had to lose some weight, why not lose some more? I had no idea when I adapted that philosophy that the weight would move so stubbornly. Usually I have a few good, disciplined weeks and voila!, the weight is gone. Not so this time. Would I have eaten in such excess if I had known this ahead of time? No. I cannot, however, regret it. It was fun. I can't lie. It was fun not worrying about every calorie I consumed. It was refreshing not thinking about how long I would have to work out to undue the damage I had shoved into my gullet that day. Heck, it was great not working out at all if I didn't feel so inclined.
I even rode the wave through January this year. I slowly reigned myself in but really didn't start trying until last Monday. I have not been perfect. Normally I am when I put my mind to it. I'm trying to do this right. I'm not on a diet this time. I'm not working out to lose weight this time. I'm trying not to be consumed this time. I told the nurses that I had been on a bender and that this weight was never supposed to be recorded, ever. Of course, their response was that I looked great and I was small, etc. That's part of the problem. I'm fine. I could stay right where I am and be perfectly fine and look perfectly fine. I am not ok with it. Just me. I told them that.
I let them know I had put on 15 lbs and I was in the process of getting it off and if it wouldn't hold up our life insurance any longer, I would not have let them come until April. They cracked up and thought I was kidding. I laughed along and thought, "What's so funny? I am so serious!" Then they couldn't find a vein to take blood and not even thinking I said, "ugh, I didn't strength train today because it would have made me weigh more. I should have because my veins would have been more prominent." They thought that was utterly hysterical. I think at that point I realized I am truly certifiably insane.
I hit a bump in the road. I lost control for a moment. I will not let it derail me. I am committed to stay the course and reach my goals. At this point they are hazy goals and open to interpretation. If this weight won't move and I feel good and strong and fit here, then this will be my new weight. I am certainly within the healthy guidelines for my height (you know I checked). I feel good when I eat well and work out alot. It is not for vanity's sake that I do it, it is because that truly is my comfort zone.
After my emotional day, I drank wine at dinner last night. I had tiramisu for dessert and if that weren't enough, I ate some chips and dip later on the coach. It's my way of dealing with stress and I recognize that. I woke up this morning filled with guilt and remorse. My husband set me straight. He reminded me everyone needs to indulge once in a while. I eat like that once and think I'm an out of control pig who eats like that every day.
He reminded me that I eat very well the rest of the time. He told me I should have wine once in a while if I want it. He said that really, I didn't even eat that much. He told me to let it go and that it was ok. I felt better. Usually I would discredit what he says as obligation. Not this time. He's right and I was open to hear it. I'm not perfect. I'm a work in progress. Slow and steady progress is better than not trying at all. I'm going to start praising myself for my positive efforts and continue to shush that negative whisper that tries at every opportunity to put me down. I'm going to start talking to myself the way I would a friend who is trying to better herself. Would I belittle her for every little slip? NO. Would I praise her for every tiny bit of progress and be sure to point out the smallest positive step? YES. I'm going to let myself be my friend. A very good friend indeed.
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